Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
