I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
