Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
