you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
