literally had 100 drinks last night.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
