Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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