Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
