Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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