Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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