I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
