break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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