Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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