I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
