Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
