i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
