True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
