we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
