It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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