She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
