Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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