When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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