Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
