we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
