i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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