he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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