Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
