I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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