I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
im holly from the hills drunk
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
