you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
