Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize