Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
