My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
