also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
