they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
