she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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