dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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