Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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