And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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