When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
