My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
