Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
