New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
