Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
