OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize
