i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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