please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
