if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
