The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
