I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
