youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
