textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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