It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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