Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
