mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
