If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
