what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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