my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
