How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
