i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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